August 2016

Talking on the phone is time consuming. I get it.

Talking on the phone often creates uncomfortable silences. I get it.

Talking on the phone makes me a prisoner to their timing, not mine. I get it.

Talking on the phone makes me respond immediately without planning what I want to say. I get it.

Compared to texts, I DM, IM, email, tweets, posts and an ever-growing selection of social media, talking on the phone makes me feel vulnerable. I TOTALLY get it.

But here’s the rub. Sooner or later you’re gonna have to talk on the phone. At least if you want to foster a special bond with someone– potential bosses, complex colleagues, lovers, friends (real ones) or anyone important to you. It’s better to be prepared for this skill. And, yes, it is a “skill.” A new one to some younger people and getting rusty for the rest of us.

So how do you become skilled at anything? Of course, you practice. Whether it’s tennis, tai chi, weight lifting or phone talking, the more we do it, the better we get. That doesn’t mean you should drop everything, grab your phone, bring up the keypad and start tapping someone’s number right now. (Although that wouldn’t hurt.) What it does mean however, is that we all should brush up on this archaic skill: Having a real conversation with someone on the phone. (gasp.) It’s not just kids and young adults who need to master this. Everyone is getting out of shape in the phone-talking department.

When you text your friends, you usually just jump into what you want to say. When you run into them in person, it’s easy. Many conversations start with something like this “Hey, great seeing you, how you doin’?” “Pretty good, and you?” “What’s new?” This triteness is absolutely OK in person because you’re both smiling, nodding, moving, etc. But you don’t have that advantage on the phone. owadays, since a phone call is an unusual and often a bothersome time invasion, we need a different modus operandi.

Some hints: It’s probably best to text him or her first with something like, “Hey, we haven’t talked in a while. It would be great to hear your voice. Shall I call you sometime?” You’ll probably get a yes. Then ask what time is most convenient for them.

Now the actual call: As we said, one of the biggest joys of texting is you can do it on your own time schedule. Sadly, not so with phone calls. So always start with something like “Hi, did I catch you at a good time?” Or, “Is this a good time to talk?” (If they sound rushed, plan another time. Or ask them to call you.) BTW, if you sense they’re freaking out because you called instead of texted (and he fears you are going to break up with him or that you are going to tell her she’s fired,) you might tell him/her, “I haven’t heard your voice in a while and thought it would be nice to touch base by phone.” If it’s a stranger you’ve already been digitally communicating with, you could say say, “I thought it’s time we ‘met by phone.”

Umm, a last thought. It’s probably best to not tell them you’re calling just to brush up on your phone conversation skills. 😉

In 1888 a baby boy was born to a poor farmer and his wife in Maryville, Missouri. Growing up with only cows and sheep to communicate with, he didn’t have much practice getting along with people and he developed an inferiority complex. The pain drove this young man to take a job where he would have more interaction with human beings. He went into sales—peddling bacon, soap and lard for a Chicago meatpacking company. During these years the young man identified something hardly anyone thought of as a quality that could be learned. He was thrilled with his discovery and carefully honed his what he called skill with “human engineering.” We now call it interpersonal or social skills and his name was Dale Carnegie.

              Little by this young man learned that a silver tongue could be more useful than a silver spoon in winning friends, influencing people, gaining wealth and acquiring fame. In 1936 he put he put his findings into a book called “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” It was an instant success and continues to be a best seller right up until today.

              Why? Because his ideas were solid. Basically it is “Begin in a friendly manner. Become genuinely interested in other people. Smile. Have a good handshake and direct eye contact. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking and be a good listener.  Talk in terms of the other person’s interest. Dramatize your ideas. The list goes on. It’s good stuff, very good stuff. It’s as true today as it was then.

              But then something happened. About 50 years after Dale Carnegie’s landmark book, the medium in which human beings communicated with each other started to change. At first the evolution was slow. Some of us remember early emails when we’d d start with “Dear so-and-so,” and end with something friendly like the old now-practically-extinct social letters did. “Sincerely yours,” “Kind regards,” and “Yours truly” were especially popular. Those became “By for now” or “Later,” both of which area superfluous now.

              Then, like a jet gathering speed on the runway the changes took off faster and faster and continue to evolve at supersonic speed. We communicated by quick texts which became shorter and shorter evolving into partial sentences, little punctuation, abbreviated words and replaced articulated emotions with strings of standardized emojis. At first it was just smiley face and frowney face which quickly expanded into funny faces to replace words like “angry,” “anxious,” “apologetic,” angry” “agonized” and so on through the alphabet of every conceivable emotion. It didn’t stop there and it was obvious we were on the verge of a culture where words were becoming obsolete

            Even one on one communicating between friends dwindled and we just posted social updates about our lives for one and all to read. An incredible amount of apps became the medium, each with fewer and fewer words. And that’s just the beginning.

            Hmm, are we regressing? Not technologically to be sure, but in our ability to communicate? A newborn baby first recognizes pictures and drawings, then learns words., graduates to whole sentences, and finally is able to write in paragraphs and theses to express sophisticated concepts and emotions.  Are we going in the opposite direction now? Do you feel more comfortable communicating live with people now? Or less? It's worth asking yourself that.

His love for her was so intense that he could hardly bear to be away from her for more than a few hours. She accompanied him wherever he went—on long trips and short walks, to big parties and family gatherings, to the movies, to the gym, even to weddings and funerals. He never wanted her further than an arms distance away. He was extremely proud of her and loved showing her off to his friends. Even when someone else was talking to him, he would sneak occasional peeks at her.

She also played a significant role in his life because he could share his deepest thoughts with her, and she never criticized or put him down.  He trusted her wisdom and whenever he had a problem, he consulted with her, and she usually came up with the right answer. She had become essential to him—almost an extension of himself. 

But before long his relationship started boarding on obsession. He would hardly ever let her out of his sight no matter what time of day or night. His hands would be on her at every opportunity and sometimes he would reach out in his sleep to see if she was still there. In fact, he would panic if she wasn’t. Although they hadn’t been together for many years, now he felt he could not live without her. He relished the fact that she was all his. He owned her. He possessed her.

Little by little, however, some friends and family began to feel it was she who possessed him. Their relationship began to cause a rupture between him and other people who cared for him.

Who is this captivating woman who had such power over him?  You may have guessed by now that it wasn’t really a woman—or a man. The fascinating object of his affection is his iPhone. Such devices have he identical power over women. It plays the same pivotal role in their lives. I must confess I too sometimes find myself falling into this bizarre relationship, craving to reach for my iPhone, and panicking if I can’t find it. Most of my friends have the same possessive love for theirs and sometimes I fear it's pulling us apart. I can feel alone and ignored even when I'm with them.

So is always having your smartphone with you bad? Of course not. It has enriched our lives astronomically and will continue to do so. But we must be careful. I see daunting danger signs in the distance warning us about how excessive interaction with our devices can be detrimental to our real life experiences and human relationships, the ones that really count in the long run. Those are the only ones who can return the affection and be there for us when we REALLY need them.

As the Chinese say, “ren hou lian, shu hou pi.” Umm, for the rest of us 85% of the world who don’t speak Chinese, that means “Trees can’t live without bark. Men can’t live without face.”

In our culture, it’s a little different. Here two young guys can start a friendly conversation with, “Hey fartface, how ya doin? Pretty good shithead, how about you?” Or telling a girlfriend she’s too sensitive because her lip quivered when you told her she looked tired. Face it, we are a nation of teasers, “friendly teasers” usually. But no matter what your intentions, teasing can hurt.

Conversely, China is a nation of showing respect (whether someone feels it for another person or not!) In fact, inadvertently not showing respect makes someone “lose face” which is a BIG deal there. It can ruin a friendship, abort an important professional connection, sometimes a devastate relationship with another country. A slight—perceived or otherwise—has the power to be disastrous both personally and internationally.

In 2006 the then president of China, Hu Jintao, visited the United States. An otherwise somewhat pleasant trip was ruined by several incidents that we would laugh off. One of the most obvious blunders was committed by our president at that time, George W. Bush. He was obviously not quite up on the importance of “face saving” in Chinese culture.

One afternoon, Hu Jintao was on the platform with Bush addressing a crowd. The Chinese president, already visibly shaken by a lone heckler, started exiting toward the right side of the stage. Instead of following him, George Bush reached out and grabbed, not his arm, but the elbow of his sleeve to tug him off to the left. Seeing Mr. Hu’s traumatized expression staring in shock at his tugged sleeve would be truly hilarious—-if it hadn’t been our President committing such a serious blooper.

In the negotiations following, Hu Jintao granted nothing tangible to the US on delicate matters such as the nuclear problems in North Korea and Iran, the Chinese currency’s value and the trade deficit with China.

In our country we don’t perceive “saving face” as so important. In fact, it’s seldom spoken of. But that doesn’t mean Americans don’t hurt just as much when someone says or does something that doesn’t show respect. They may laugh at your teasing, but it doesn’t mean that they too won’t later withhold something that you want—like perhaps their friendship. Save your teasing for your little sister or brother. On second thought, cool it on that one too. It’s probably more important in the long run.

This tip is for my wonderful non-American friends around the world. Today I received two special “Happy Thanksgiving” messages. What made them exceptional? Because one was from Bahrain and the other from Canada, neither of which celebrates Thanksgiving today.

Cool Communicating Tip: If you are from another country which doesn’t either, send your American friends a Thanksgiving greeting. It—and you—will be very special in their eyes.

Thanksgiving dinner with the family on Thursday? I hope it’s as magnificent as such merriment is cracked up to be. But watch out! It ain’t like dining with friends you choose because, unfortunately, you have to consider even more carefully what you say. No matter how much you love your family members (well, most of them) realize that they all—mom, dad, grandma, siblings, kids, uncles, aunts, and even third cousins twice removed—will hear whatever you say from a totally different perspective. And that perspective is, “HOW DOES THAT AFFECT ME?”

Why? Because you’re eternally connected. You’re a permanent part of the clan. Well, at the very least, they will see you next year, the next, and the next. (BTW, boyfriends and girlfriends, please heed this same advice because you too are being scrutinized in case you someday become a member of their family.)

There’s another reason to watch your words. When each person returns home, their favorite topic will be how they feel about various family members at the table. How I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard the post-Thanksgiving comment, “I just couldn’t believe it when he/she said . . .” Sadly, if you make one bragging comment, one prejudiced statement, one rude remark, or have one drink to many, you run the risk of some crabby family member labeling you a braggart, bigot, rude-ass or a drinker. ”

I don’t mean to put a raincloud over this magnificent annual coming together. I hope it’s fabulous. And I know it will be for you as long as you realize that what you say on Thursday has many more implications than in normal conversation. The day should bring great happiness to everyone except the poor turkey.

At a company meeting last week, an employee named.  Noah cited a statistic that seemed too exaggerated to be accurate. A colleague, confused by his numbers, somewhat rudely challenged asking, “Where did you hear that?” Noah pointed to a woman named Sarah several rows back and said “She told me.”

By the barely audible moan from the group, I could tell one of the three lost a lot of face with the group that day. Who do you think it was?  Was it Sarah, the source of the inflated facts? Was it the ill-mannered colleague who challenged the information? Neither of them. The one who really came out looking like a insecure little puss was Noah. Why?

A COOL COMMUNICATOR never pass blame on to someone else for what he/she has said. Noah should have just confidently conceded with something like, “I understand that number does sound unusually large. Let me check with my source and get back to you.” People respect your taking the hit and shielding someone from blame.

We all know that it's not just what you say, it's how you say it. But there is a third factor that has an insidious impact on your friendship. I call it "the hidden insult" and it's more common than you may think. What is the hidden insult? It's how whatever you say inadvertently affects your listener's EGO. This factor has the potency to make someone like you more–or a lot less.

Here's an example. Yesterday at lunchtime I was in a Blimpie shop ordering one of their long sandwiches.  A sweet young girl behind the counter was assiduously placing salami, cheese, and trimmings on the loaf of bread. Her colleague was pulling another loaf out of the cupboard behind her while saying, “Yeah, I went for that job interview yesterday and got it. I sure won’t be around here much longer slinging this shit."

How do you think that made the girl feel about her job? Consciously or not, the guy's words made her feel like the stuff he said she was slinging. Of course he didn’t mean to demean her, but he said it without thinking. If the young girl liked her colleague before, she certainly liked him a little less now.

BIG WINNERS, before speaking, consider how what they say could affect their listener’s ego. Most people are so sensitive that anything that could possibly be interpreted as demeaning will be.

Today I ran into a neighbor at the deli that I hadn’t seen in two weeks. The last time we’d talked, it was the usual small talk – chatting about this and that and nothing. I do remember, however, discussing my dear departed cat, Louie, and told her I was thinking of getting another.

 Okay, two week past and rushing around this morning I spotted her on the street. I like her but considered crossing the street to avoid another spate of somewhat boring small talk.

Oops, too late! “Hi, Leil,” she beamed, her face lighting up. The first thing she said was asking if I’d ever gotten a new cat. Well, that made me purr because I love talking about those lovely little furry creatures. She then referred to “Louie” by name.

Bottom line, another person was added to my “people I really like” list. Why? Because she remembered something I enjoyed talking about and actually remembered Louie’s name! That was pretty cool communicating. And I certainly won’t try to avoid her again.

BIG WINNER’S LITTLE TRICK: After having a conversation with someone, make a note of what you chatted about that they enjoyed. Then refer to it next time you see them.

How many times have you heard someone preface what they are about to say with, “Oh, this is interesting . . .” Now you’re waiting for this fascinating fact, big headline, or something you assume you too will find intriguing. Then, wide-eyed, she or he tells you what s/he found so intriguing. But, snore, you don’t. In fact you find it totally mundane or boring

OK, this person is not going to lose your valued friendship or respect over something that small. But it doesn’t help you feel closer to him or her either. Let’s just chalk it up to their tiny communicating gaffe. So what's the comunication tip?

If you find yourself tempted to start saying something with the common phrase, “This is interesting” try to catch yourself and change that to, “You MAY find this interesting.” And then proceed. Now you’re covered in case your "interesting" story bores them.

Oh oh, the common phrase, “This is interesting” just slipped out and you can’t catch it before it rolls off your tongue? No problem. Simply add, “Well at least I found it interesting.” Then relax and proceed talking about what YOU found fascinating. Who knows s/he might too. But now you’re not risking having your friend roll their eyes.