August 2015

Ouch, writing this pains me because it concerns a recent humiliating experience. Babbling away at a small celebration and enjoying some bubbly, I knocked my glass of champagne off the mantle on a hardwood floor about a foot from the party-giver’s white carpet.  Upon hearing the shatter, Rebecca, the hostess glided over and began picking up the shattered pieces. Seeing my distraught expression, she smiled and said, “Oh. Leil, it’s nothing. It was just an old glass that I have dozens of.” She interrupted my garbled apologies with, “Don’t be silly Leil,” and joked “at least it wasn’t red wine on the carpet.”  Her two gentle comments about my clumsy blunder made me soon forgot the episode.

 A half hour later, walking through the dining room on the way to the bathroom, I did indeed see that she had other glasses like it. But these were carefully displayed in an antique rosewood cabinet. Hmm, they looked suspiciously similar to the one I broke! Pressing my nose against the beveled glass of her cabinet to behold the exquisite crystal red wine, white wine, champagne and cordial glasses, I realized that the one that now lay in smithereens at the bottom of her garbage can was part of her cherished set.

In the bathroom, realizing what I had done, I wanted to be flushed down the toilet with the tissue. As I left the ladies room, another sentiment swept over me—tremendous renewed respect for Rebecca and the way she’d handled her disappointment and loss.  She avoided making me feel like the clumsy klutz I deserved to.

LITTLE TRICK OF BIG WINNERS:  When someone inadvertently does something that he/she is embarrassed about, try to hide your disappointment. Then wrack your brain to think of something–anything–to say that will make them feel less embarrassed and distressed. You will win their gratitude and respect.

How many dozens of times has someone said something to you and, ‘fes up, you just weren't listening? It’s embarrassing. And, worse, it makes the person feel like he/she wasn’t worth listening to. Big Winners don’t get ahead by making others feel insignificant. In fact, just the opposite. So, instead of blurting out the usual “Huh?” or “What did you say,” (which it makes it obvious that you weren't listening,) try this Little Trick. A man I highly respected used it on me when I’d said something to him–which was probably not worth listening to anyway! But that's beside the point.

LITTLE TRICK: When someone says something and its obvious you weren’t listening, try this Big Winner’s trick. He said “Oh I'm so sorry, I was miles away. Please tell me what you said” It sounds more intelligent and less dismissive. Oh, and don’t forget to use his/her name at the end to reinforce your respect.

When it comes to ego, everyone is like a hemophiliac with paper-thin skin. If your wording of an innocent comment even subtly insinuates a less-than-positive view of your listener, it’s a pin prick that causes emotional bleeding. If you inadvertently give someone enough teensy pricks, they stop liking you. And that can have untold personal and professional repercussions. 

Here are just a few everyday phrases I often mention that, unless you tweak them, possibly as suggested, subconsciously attacks your listener’s ego.

Avoid asking “Do you know . . . ?” Or “Have you ever heard of . . . “” If they must answer “no,” they’re embarrassed.  Instead say “Do you happen to know . . . ?”Or “By any chance, have you heard of?” That makes it more acceptable if they haven’t. 

Avoid asking “Do you want another glass of wine?”  (Or whatever their beverage.)  Some people are sensitive about their drinking. Soften it by saying, “May I serve you some wine?” They know it’s their second—or third. But it’s not obvious that you do!

Avoid saying “I’m sorry, I’ve forgotten your name.” Or “Oh, I’m so bad with names.” It makes him/her feel pretty forgettable! Instead say, “I want to remember your name. Please remind me.” These are just a few common examples of which there are hundreds.

LITTLE TRICK: Before asking anyone a question, ask yourself this one. "What could an insecure person possibly assume from it?" Because, no matter how confident he or she comes across, deep down EVERYONE is insecure.

Has this ever happened to you? You’re chatting with someone and then, ouch, an uncomfortable silence pops up. You wrack your brain for something scintillating to say—but you can’t think of anything, sparkling or not, to fill the painfully protracted silence.

This happened to me just last week. I was talking with a new acquaintance telling him about a recent trip I’d taken. But when I finished, one of those agonizing silences reared its horrible head.  I racked my brain to no avail for something to say (or an excuse to get away. But just then, he said three words that turned the entire encounter around. He simply smiled and said, “Tell me more.”

Well, I didn't need a second invitation! I happiy delved into another ten minute monologue about my trip, and came away thinking that he was an intriguing conversationalist. Yet, thinking back, he’d hardly said a word.

CoolCommunicating Tip:  Use these three magic words guaranteed to resuscitate a dying conversation: “Tell me more!”

Ouch, some people just don't "get it." Get what? Get the fact that EVERYTHING they say has three impacts on the listener. And the third is the most common one that decides if people like or dislike them.

The first is what you say. The second is how you say it. (But you already knew that.) The third one we don't often think of is how your words impact the LISTENERS EGO.  Even if what you say has absolutely nothing to do directly with the listener, he/she senses an insinuation.

A small example: At lunchtime yesterday I was in a Blimpie restaurant. That's where they sell those full-of-junk calories but delicious foot-long sandwiches.

Two servers were behind the counter. A pleasant young girl was carefully placing the salami, cheese, and trimmings while her colleague was pulling bread out of the case for the sandwich. I overheard him telling her “Yeah, I went for that job interview yesterday and got it.” Then he laughed, “I sure won’t be around here much longer slinging this shit.”

Aargh, how do you think that made her feel about her good job that, in this this economy, was quite lucky to have? Consciously or not, his words are made her feel like the stuff he said she was slinging. What he said was CrappyCommunicating. An example of CoolCommunicating would be, “I’m really going to miss you here, but . . ."

Of course he didn’t mean to demean her but it was thoughtless. We must extra careful about what our words insinuate about the listener. If the young girl liked her colleague before, she certainly liked him a little less now!

Sometimes it absolutely amazes me that two people enjoying an activity together think they’re having the same experience. No way!  Everyone notices different aspects of whatever they’re doing. For instance, when you and a friend walk down a street together, you may think you're seeing the same things. But it’s not true!

Last weekend, a friend and were sauntering down a suburban street. Paola pointed out to the intricate designs the shadows the trees were playing on the cement. Paola is a photographer.  This morning, I strolled down the same street with another friend. Andrew expressed surprise seeing a Tudor style house on the same block with a Prairie style. (I wouldn’t have noticed either, let alone being able to name them!) Andrew is an aspiring architect.

Where is this going? It's to confess that I don't really notice tree patterns or house styles. Or even the weather or foliage. What I notice is people—their human actions and reactions in conversation. You could accuse me of being obsessed with it, you'd be absolutely right. In my future blogs, I want to share mini-stories with you of, IMHO, great communicating and, well, not-so-great communicating.  I’m going to label them COOL-COMMUNICATING and CRAPPY-COMMUNICATING. Understandably those last words are ugly to some. (Me too!) But CrappyCommunicating is usually ugly to the listener as you’ll see in the blog that follow.

I sincerely hope some of the suggestions will be obvious to you. And, if they are, Congratulations! That means you are a truly rare and sensitive communicator.

Are you the “real” you on Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter and others? Or are you the person you want the world perceive? Or perhaps the person you hope to become? And here are the relevant questions: Is it crucial that you really be the person the world sees. Or is it better to present the person you want to be to help you grow into becoming that ideal person? In other words, "Is there anything wrong with NOT being the 'real you' online?".

Academicians and serious researchers have started pondering, presuming, and postulating on this and other vital question which are changing the way the world communicates and even thinks. Their studies are discovering that most people's online self-presentations are a mixture of all three: 1) Real self 2) Desired self, and 3) Developing self.

By the way, if you don’t know the answer to the question, “Who is the REAL me?” not to worry. Few of us do and people have been scratching their heads over that question since the beginning of time. In my teen years, I was especially obsessed with it. In my naivte, I thought my beloved grandmother would have the answer. When I asked her, she smiled and, in her sweet crackling old voice, responded:  "Leilie, you are who you think others think you are.”

At the time, I thought it was a cop-out. But her response stuck with me my entire life and now, in one sense I think she was right—especially today when have the flexibility to present ourselves online as we wish. But it all comes with a tiny skull & crossbones which I’ll present in other blogs.

So many shy people (I know, I was one of them) often assume that something is wrong with them because they're not "look at me" types. If you are a highly sensitive person as the majority of shy people, your brain functions differently from an extrovert's. You think more deeply. It takes you longer to process information. You try to listen carefully and usually speak more slowly.

Americans listen to outrageous radio and television personalities. We elect outgoing politicians. We listen to extreme rock bands, adore scantily clad show-off girls, and flock in droves to theaters to see bigger-than-life movie stars–and then stay up half the night to see them again on the Oscars.

Regrettably, our Western world does not recognize or reward introvert qualities as much it does extrovert. As a result, some “Shys” assume they are not as smart or as talented as the “Sures.” Stop! Wrong way! Go back! Countless studies have blasted the myth about shyness indicating stupidity. In many cases, in fact, it's just the opposite.

The majority of gifted children (60 percent) are introverts. In studies of intelligence, the higher the IQ, the higher the percentage of introverts. A greater number of National Merit Scholars are introverted than extroverted, and they get higher grades in Ivy League colleges.

            What this says is this: Value your God-given qualities and don't let anyone make you feel inferior because you don't like to sit around with the gang and chew the fat or to leap into conversations before you've thought things through. Even extremely confident highly sensitive people take longer to process their thoughts. Give deserved worth to your inner world and become comfortable with your quieter qualities.

I hate getting interrupted! Even when I’m saying something worthless, which is most of the time, I recoil when someone interrupts me. I have one friend who does it constantly. Of course he’s not trying to torture me. If he were, he’d let me finish making a fool of myself instead of cutting me off.

Due to his egregious intrusions, however, I became obsessed with seeing how other interruptees handled this dismaying situation. Over a six month period, I heard nine of unfortunate responses and retorts. Some of the following made the interruptee look worse than the interrupter.

Point to mouth and say, "Lips moving, still talking."

“If you don’t mind, I haven’t finished my point.”

“Is it my turn to speak yet?”

“Go ahead, you have the floor",

“I don't interrupt you when you talk, I appreciate the same courtesy.”      

“Ex-CUSE, me. I was talking.”

"Sorry for talking while you were interrupting",

"Excuse me, did I take a breath and give you the impression I was done speaking?"

"Shut the f__k up you ignorant twat, I'm talking"

So, how should you respond when someone cuts you off? Simply listen attentively to the interrupter. Then smile and continue, “As I was saying…"  (He or she will get the point, feel like a creep, but everyone will respect you – including the creep who interrupted you.)

Authors often gush that writing a book is like having a baby. It's true. Like most conceptions, it all begins with a mind-blowing orgasm–the idea for the book you MUST write. You breathlessly scribble the proposal and ecstatically hyperventilate when a publisher says “Yes.” Then the madness begins–waking up in the middle of the night scrawling thoughts on scraps of paper, jumping out of bed at 5:00am cursing the coffee machine to go faster so you can get to the computer. During the few non-writing hours you permit yourself, you bore your exasperated family and friends with your fabulous ideas that are going to forever change readers’ lives for the better. Sheer ecstasy.

Finally the nine months of tough labor is over and your bundle of joy is born. (The one I just gave birth to is “How to Create Chemistry with Anyone—75 Ways to Spark it Fast and Make it Last.”) You caress the first author’s copy and, when no one is looking, even give it a kiss. Everyone "oohs" and "ahhs" at the pub party telling you how wonderful your book is (neglecting the fact they haven’t read it.) Then comes the publicity tour, nonstop media interviews, radio, TV, newspapers, magazines, and endless podcasts.

But then suddenly, about a month later, SCREECH – it all comes to a sudden halt. The slashed umbilical cord is agony. You get a bad case of postpartum depression and empty nest syndrome all rolled into one. So what’s the cure?

The blessed cure is something hopefully you have been doing all along and I’m going to start regularly now. Writing BLOGS. It’s the best part–-you have the pleasure of sharing your ideas with the world. And you avoid the worst, the anguish of post-book depression. My obsessive wake-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night passion has now returned. I hope to make difference in blog readers' lives by sharing my observations here and in my communication tips. I hope you’ll return here to my new site often to read them.

Please write to me and let me know where to find your blog too so I can have the pleasure of reading yours.