November 2015

This tip is for anyone who deals with the public, especially retail and customer service folks. Yesterday I was at a draperies store talking with a sales associate about purchasing some window shades. She was knowledgeable, had good eye contact, and listened to what I had I had to say. She then nodded and smiled. So far, so good.

Then, BOOM. The minute I’d finished placing my order, she immediately looked away and went back to her computer. How do you think me feel? Right, it gave me the sense that I was just someone she’d gotten a sale out of and then I immediately transmogrified into a non-person to her. It made me almost sorry I’d bought the high-commissioned draperies from her. If I ever have to buy more shades from that store, I don’t think I’ll seek her out!

BIG WINNERS who make it in sales or any other profession don’t stop showing interest in the customer the moment the sale is made. Treat customers with the same deference and respect until the last good-bye. Incidentally, a quick “Have a nice day” doesn’t cut it. Extend the conversation at least a few sentences so they feel like it’s personal, not just another cash register click. You’ll be more apt to get another sale from this grateful customer who senses you like him or her—as a person.

Stop and think for a moment. Is there someone in your life that, for some reason you can’t describe, you feel isn’t being 100% honest or truthful? Maybe you haven’t actually caught him in a lie but you have a sixth sense that you can’t trust everything he says.

I have one colleague like that and I decided to find out why I felt that way. The next few times I ran into Travis (pseudonym of course,) I started listening carefully to isolate what gave him that untruthful air. Soon it became evident. It was because he often started sentences with phrases like, “I honestly think . . .” “I truthfully don’t know why . . .” “I sincerely want the best for her . . .” and “speaking frankly . . .”

Hmm, I mused, does that mean that Travis usually doesn’t speak honestly, truthfully, sincerely, and frankly? Does he have to announce it the few times that he actually is? Once when he said “Well, to be perfectly honest with you,” I had to bite my tongue to squelch blurting out, “Gee, I assumed you always do, Travis.”

My poor, perhaps misjudged, colleague could be as honest as Abe Lincoln was reputed to be. But, rightly or wrongly, the numerous allusions to his truthfulness made me doubt his sincerity. I find that salespeople, especially the fast-talking ones, often use these declarations of truth which I call “fibber phrases.”

COOL-COMMUNICATING TIP: Avoid inadvertently using “fibber phrases,” words that allude to the fact that you’re telling the truth. People may think that you don’t ALWAYS tell the truth!

Did you know that people who reside in mental institutions use the word “I” twelve times more than “non-residents?” Ergo, it figures that the fewer times you use the word “I,” the more lucid—and less self-centered—you sound. If you use the word “I” too many times, people often tune out on what you are saying, either in conversation or email. So here’s a little technique to get your recipients more interested.

Just for fun, open any recent business email you’ve written and count the number of times you began sentences with “I.”” Now turn as many of them around and begin with “You.”

Example . . .Let’s say you just ordered a dozen gizmos from Mr. Smith. See which confirmation response makes you feel better about him and his company.
“Dear Ms. Jones: We received your order for two gizmos yesterday. I will e-mail you as soon as they come and I will send them out the day after.”
That’s AVERAGE. Now let’s use the “You” for “I” substitution trick.
“Dear Ms. Smith: YOUR order for two gizmos arrived yesterday. YOU will be notified by e-mail as soon as they come in and YOU’LL receive them the day after.”

When you become a “You Oriented” person in all your communicating, you will be more successful and better liked. The result? More friends and more business. Go ahead and edit one of your old messages now. I think you’ll see the difference.

Here’s a Little Trick that works instantly. Yet, strangely enough, I’ve never known anyone to use it consciously. It will make you look more approachable, attractive, and amiable.

It concerns your at-rest facial expression, the one you never think about and is seldom discussed. It’s the face you present when you think no one is watching.

Some people’s lips naturally curve up at the edges. Other mouths are straight, and yet others curve down.  People who have a NATURAL up-tilt appear friendlier and are more approachable.

Here's how to tell if you have that welcoming friendly look: Go grab a ruler and stand in front of a mirror. Measure whether the corners of your lips are ever-so-slightly higher than the rest. If so, you are one of the lucky minority who looks friendlier. You could be one of the most welcoming, happy, and pleasant people in the world, but if the corners of your lips are slightly lower than the rest, your agreeable qualities are not as evident to the world.

“What if I don't have that naturally happy, confident and content expression” you might ask. Not a problem. It’s easy to attain by simply raising the corners of your lips ever so slightly. (In my seminars, I sometimes ask people to close their eyes and think of someone they love.  That does the trick! Everyone in the room suddenly looks more attractive.)

Don't get me wrong. I am NOT talking about a fake pasty smile on your face. That would be really creepy! I'm simply referring to an EVER-SO-SLIGHT lift of the outer tips of your lips.

Try it for a few days and it will become a habit. You won’t even have to think about it. Yet you’ll see how strangers and acquaintances instantly respond more warmly to you.

AND, WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, MAKE SOMEONE'S DAY.

When talking to customer service, call centers, tech support, secretaries or sales reps on the phone, you’re at their mercy on what they'll do for you–and how fast. Here are tiny tips for getting the best, speediest and most pleasant service he/she has to give.  

First thing, give YOUR name. That personalizes it and, who knows, she may think you’re a VIP whose name she’s supposed to know.When he barks, "Please hold," don't just grumble “okay.” Say "Of course, take your time." (He'll be shocked and want to come back much sooner!)

If you're a little slow giving information she needs, say, "You must have tremendous patience to do this job." (She appreciates the rare compliment and now wants to help you all the more.)

Ask his name so he feels responsible. Be sure to preface your request with "You’re great. May I ask your name?” to assuage paranoia about being reported. And, now that you know his name, he's more anxious to solve your problem. His job—and a good employee's pride–often depends on it. End your conversation with, "Great service!" Or "Thanks for your excellent help." Now you've made his/her day in a tough often thankless job.

I don’t want to sound like a New Year’s Grinch (I love the holiday) but please don’t ask your friends about their New Year’s resolutions. It's invasive and forces people to confess something negative about themselves. Why? Because people usually resolve to stop bad habits—and who wants to tell you theirs? Nobody wants to bring to your attention that they’re overweight, that they drink too much, watch too much TV, waste scads of time on Facebook, or don’t floss. Asking someone their resolutions is like inquiring, “What terrible things have you been doing that you want to stop—and haven’t been able to so far?”

Or it’s submitting them to an inquisition: “What good things do you feel you should be doing that so far you’ve been a total failure at?” 

If you’re unfortunate enough that someone asks YOU the question, here’s a good way to wriggle out of it. Smile and tell them, “Every year I make a resolution to change myself . . . This year I’m making a resolution to be myself!” Happy New Year!

The holidays are here and, whether you are happy or hassled (probably a bit of both) you’ve heard “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays" dozens of times so far—and it's not over yet! The sentiment is lovely, but any phrase you repeat too often loses sincerity and punch.

Starting right now, find other sincere ways to express your good wishes to friends. Something as simple as expanding it to "I HOPE YOU HAVE A wonderful Christmas" or "I WISH YOU joyous holidays" works. For some, "Have a cool Christmas" is fun. (Awesome??? Nah.)

Many of us have Spanish friends. They'll love hearing "Feliz Navidad" from your lips. Or say it in your friends' other languages. Just pronounce it right! Here's a helpful YouTube video on how to pronounce "Merry Christmas” in 16 languages: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hrsslV5hco

Of course you want to be respectful of cultures which don't celebrate Christmas. You needn’t go so far as saying "Happy Christmahanukwanzakah" or “Have a happy non-denomination winter solstice.”  Choose a greeting appropriate for his/her culture but just change a few words to make it sound special for your friend.

And from me to you, I wish you a wonderful next few days—and rest of your life. 

Thanksgiving dinner is often a time when you see your relatives once a year (Some think that’s once too much–and there’s a reason for that which I’ll get into shortly.)

Hosts all over the country laboriously contemplate every facet of the great Thanksgiving feast. They painstakingly plan every detail from the turkey to the pumpkin pie. But, tragically, most don't consider the ONE element that often turns the holiday from delightful to dreadful. The dinner CONVERSATION.

Some people assume Thanksgiving dinner is the time to talk about “important" family stuff. They grill the kids on their grades, ask about their brother-in-law’s unsuccessful job search, or query grandma about her end-of-life wishes. Except for families who have stuffed their turkey with Prozac, conversation–especially after a couple of glasses of wine–can get pretty unpleasant or at least boring.

Here’s where YOU come in! Even if you’re not hosting the festivities (lucky you,) you have the ability to assure the day’s success. How? By thinking ahead of time what each person at the table would most enjoy talking about. Then find a way to casually ask him/her about that.

If things start to go downhill, take charge! You can save the day by suggesting each person around the table tell everyone one thing they have to be thankful for. (If I were at your table, I'd tell you about my gratitude for all my wonderful readers.) 

I pray you have a joyful Thanksgiving. And do give some thought to helping make it a delight for all by keeping the conversation upbeat.

Attorneys may not be the most beloved group of individuals. But good ones who have warm eye contact, effective body language—and just a touch of legaleze to show they know their stuff—win cases. Why not pick up some tips from them? Consider the following phrases. Be careful, though, to say them with the appropriate degree of friendliness. Otherwise you can come across as snarky. 

Everyone knows "I'LL TAKE THE FIFTH AMENDMENT." That's too cliche, but here are more goodies.

When someone starts bombarding you with questions, ask, "IS THIS A DEPOSITION?"

Oops, if you just said something that isn’t entirely true, here’s an effective way to take it back and not lose too much face: "I’D LIKE TO REDACT THAT."

A good, if slightly hostile, retort if someone objects to what you are saying is YOUR OBJECTION IS PRESERVED FOR THE RECORD. Then quickly continue with what you were saying.

Similarly, if you object to something he/she says and the speaker argues back, state, "I PRESERVE MY OBJECTION FOR THE RECORD."

If an individual makes a bad suggestion rudely, don’t argue it then and there. Simply nod and say "I’LL CONSIDER THE MOTION." Then quickly continue with your point.

The above phrases can work for almost anybody. Example: Let’s say you’re a kid and your big sister tells you to go cut the grass—but you know it’s her turn. Tell her "I’D LIKE TO APPEAL THAT." In legalese, that means “applying to a higher court for a reversal of the decision.” In this case, you mean you'll take it to Mommy.

When saying hello or goodbye to a friend/acquaintance, should you give them a hug?  That question has become something of a national dilemma.

The Western world seems to fall into two categories concerning this confounding matter – the “Hug lovers” and the “Hug Haters.” I wish I could tell you who is right. All I can do is give you one important tidbit of hugging advice. If you’re going to hug someone, DON’T START PATTING THEIR BACK part way through. And if he or she starts patting yours mid-hug, abort the hug. Simply smile and gracefully separate your bodies.

“Why?” you rightfully ask. Because back patting during a hug subliminally signals, “This hug is lasting a little too long for my taste.”

BTW, don’t worry, if your huggee starts patting yours first, it doesn’t mean he/she doesn’t like you. It just indicates discomfort with the hug. Many males feel that way when another man gives them a friendly hug—so they instantly start patting each other’s back.

In short, when you’re hugging someone, don’t let your hands become flippers on their back. And if they start patting first, it means “OK, times up! Let’s end this hug thing NOW. So do it!