November 2014

We like people who like us. (It means they have good taste, right?)  So, it only stands to reason, to encourage someone to like you professionally or socially, find ways to demonstrate you like them. No, we’re not talking compliments. Those are old-school, obsequious and way too obvious. Besides, 90% of our communicating is body language. Let’s start at the top:

Your eyebrows are more truthful than your smile—which is easier to fake. The first indication you like someone is, upon first spotting him/her, give “the eyebrow bounce.” That’s a quicker-than-lightening grasshopper-leap up of both eyebrows which tells them, “I’m happy to see you.”

#2  Even while he/she’s talking, occasionally lift your eyebrows ever-so-slightly higher than normal. Men, nodding your head almost imperceptibly is powerful. A woman can cock her head slightly to one side to show she’s really listening.  

3#  Keep your hands and arms open wider than your body. No umpire-like crossed arms here. It spells rejection. Or worse, speaking football, “a delay-of-game foul.”

#4  Lean slightly toward him/her. You can even stand a tad closer. (Be cautious with this one, though. You don’t want any sexual misinterpretation.)

#5  If sitting side-by-side, cross your legs (or slightly turn your knees) toward him/her.

#6  When speaking, use animated hand gestures which subconsciously signal “You are important to me and I want to be sure I'm expressing myself clearly with you.”

These tips may sound obvious to you. In fact, I hope so because they are to sensitive people. The problem is that even they don’t often use them consciously. The “Little Trick” is to do just that!

Watch out, the following “Little Trick,” if done incorrectly, can make you look creepy. But, if you execute it smoothly when the situation is right, you win the affection and respect of someone you want to impress. You can use it with a stranger in a group or someone you know.

Let’s say you’re chatting with several people.  Your eyes are usually on the person who is speaking, right? Your gaze bounces back and forth between whoever is speaking as if you’re watching a tennis game.

But if you want to establish a tighter relationship with one of the people in the group, scramble things up a bit. Let’s say you wish to win the heart and mind of person A.  Keep your eyes on him/her even while someone else in the group is speaking. This indicates you are interested in Person A’s reaction to what is being said. It suggests that you respect Person A and you want to find out more about him/her.

Be careful, though, because in certain situations this technique can make you seem judgmental or hint that you feel superior. However, if you give Person A a slight smile or nod to express your pleasure at their reaction, it’s a powerful relationship booster. 

Here’s a great way to deflect verbal accusations. Even if you’re guilty, it will leave your accuser speechless—and impressed with you!

Upon hearing the accusation, most people immediately jump in with an anxious and defensive “BUT . . .” followed by a breathless excuse.

Whoa. Instead, listen calmly and patiently to their full accusation with an ever-so-slight smile on your face. In fact, nod as they are talking. If it's true, take a pause and say, “You’re absolutely right. I did . . .” (then repeat the accusation VER BATIM.) Follow with, “And I’m glad you brought that up because it gives me the opportunity to explain why . . .” Then, AND ONLY THEN, give the excuse for your actions.

But, hmm, what if you don’t have a good excuse and you’re totally guilty? Not to worry, there is still a way to come out smelling like a rose. Start with the “You’re absolutely right, and I’m so glad you brought that up” bit.  This time, however, continue with something like, “I realize my action wasn’t right. But thank-you for the opportunity to explain my thinking at the time.” It avoids arguments because your accuser has nothing left to say. You’ve admitted your guilt and fed their ego by telling them they’re absolutely right. Best of all, they respect you for being so forthright.

  When someone gives you a gift, of course you say "thank -you." However, those words are so common they are simply ambient noise. The bottom line is that the giver expects your thanks, and therefore it is nothing out of the ordinary. However, if you really want to thrill someone with your gratitude, use the following Little Trick which I call "Thanks Is More Beautiful the Second Time Around."

One year, I gave my friend, Salina, an inexpensive little music box. She sent me a thank-you note which I appreciated (and naturally, expected.) I thought that was the end of it. But then, a few months later, I received an e-mail from her saying, "Leil, I can't tell you how much pleasure your music box continues to give the whole family. Instead of grumbling and diving back under the covers when I shout 'Time to get up!' the kids beg me to wake them to the sound of the beautiful music box you gave me. I wind it up and tip toe into their room every morning. They wake up smiling, even before they've had their breakfast!"

Her message gave me more pleasure than the little music box could ever have given her. She made me feel like the Goddess of Gift Giving.

You've heard of knee-jerk reactions? The doctor hits your knee with a hammer and your leg jerks. It's an involuntary response. Saying "thank-you" when someone gives you a gift is almost just as automatic. But when you thank her again–weeks or months later–with all the reasons it continues to give you pleasure, you are giving an even more valuable gift, the pride that she chose just the right present for you.

Whenever you thank someone for a gift, make a note to ponder the pleasure the present still gives you a month later. Then send a second thank-you detailing how much you are continuing to enjoy it and why. They will find this second little thank-you more precious than the first one.

And, incidentally, you’ll be added to their “Extraordinary People" list.

Oops, did you know that something as touching your face while speaking can signal that you're not being honest? Keep them away–especially from your mouth. It subconsciously signals that you know you shouldn't be saying what you're saying.

That sounds like a pretty lame topic, right? But, hold on, there are some subtleties you might want to consider. By employing a few of the following little tips, you show the person you're strolling with that you like and respect him or her. (You can also observe their walk to get a sense how they feel about you!)

1.    Move anything you’re carrying (like a purse or briefcase) to your other side. Any “barrier” between you is instinctively a shield.

2.    Walk in step. People who are of a like mind tend to mirror each other’s body language.

3.    Consciously turn your head toward her/him more often than you ordinarily would.

4.    Let your strolling partner decide the pace. She’s a fast walker? Speed up. A leisurely walker? Slow down.

5.    Shrink the distance between you. When people argue, they walk almost an arm’s length apart. Close friends walk much closer–so choose an appropriately friendly distance. Women, you can occasionally let your arm come fleetingly in touch with his or hers.

"But what if I don't want to be friends with this person," you ask. Well, just do the opposite of everything you just read!

Here's a great way to handle it when you've called someone by the wrong name. Today an acquaintance called me "Kate." Instead of the usual fluster, she simply smilingly said "Oh, I'm so sorry. I once had a best friend named Kate. That made me feel she had warm feelings for me. True or not, it felt nice!

Ladies, whenever you're walking side-by-side with someone, (especially a man!)  move your purse to the other side. It's more friendly. Any object between you is something of a barrier.  Of course if you're trying to cut someone off (a guy?), carry your purse between you. The bigger the bag, the bigger the cutoff.

I'd like to say something about a word we use every day, lots of times. It's "BUT.” Practically any warm sentiment you've expressed before the "but" is forgotten.

For example, suppose she asks for your help, and you respond: “I’d really like help you but I haven’t finished my work.

Or he asks you for a date and you respond: “I’d love to but I have a previous engagement.”

All they hear is the negative part. Your sincere “liking to,” or “loving to” gets buried in their disappointment.

So how do you get around it and make sure they hear the friendly part?

Simply make it two sentences. Express your warm sentiment in the first. (Be sure to pause for a moment to make sure that sinks in.)  Then explain why you can’t do what they want in the second. Add the substitute word, “however,” at the end.

See how deleting the “but” makes it softer:

     I’d really like to help you. (Pause.) I haven’t finished my work, however.

     I’d love to. (Pause) I have a previous engagement, however.

Sure, they’ll still be disappointed. However, wording your refusal without the "but" helps preserve the relationship.

Yesterday six of us were having lunch. While the rest of us were talking, one woman pulled out her phone and started texting someone. It was subtle, but I noticed that hardly anyone at the table had much eye contact with her afterward. They subconsciously figured she wasn't interested in conversing with them.