September 2013

When was the last time you felt left out when everyone was discussing something you knew nothing about? Here’s the first step in avoiding that. Take 10 minutes every day to Google for information and stories about a subject you’d seldom think of researching. Mushrooms? Massage? Mothers-in-law? Whatever! the subject is bound to come up sometime.

Here’s a quick tip to save yourself from an all-too-common social “ouch.”

Let’s say you spot a slight acquaintance at a gathering, on the street or anywhere. Naturally you say “hi.” But, ouch, he or she responds with a panicked look which probably means, “I have no idea who you are.”

You can avoid this happening by FIRST greeting them with something like, “Hi, I’m (your name,) We met at (where you met.) It’s good to see you.”

If they’re cool, they’ll pretend to remember you. But even if they don’t, they’ll have much better feelings toward you. And that’s the goal, isn’t it?

It's great to have a vivacious outgoing personality when running into friends. But, after saying "hi," pause for a second and let your friend speak first. That way s/he can set the mood and bring up whatever subject s/he like. Friends will enjoy the ensuing conversation a lot more—and thus think YOU are more interesting!

This little tip was hatched within minutes of my last newsletter when I received hundreds of overblown wordy automated replies. Avoid these 5 common phrases the next time you are on vacation. They make you sound stiff and less intelligent than you really are.

   1.  “This is an automatically generated . . ." (D’uh)

    2.  "I am currently out-of-the-office . . ."   (Obviously it’s “current.)

    3.  "This is to inform you . . ." (That sounds like the opening of a subpoena.)

    4.   "Upon my return . . ." (Sound human. Write "When I return . . .")

     5.  "I will respond in due course." (When is "due course?" Next week?  Next fiscal year?)

Oh, here’s my favorite:  "If you are a spammer, take me off your list." (Does the writer reallly think spammers will assiduously read the message, and say, "Oh darn, she doesn’t want us to contact her anymore? OK, we’ll take her off our list.")

To make yourself sound like the living, breathing  gracious human being that you are, say something like this the next time you are away:

“Thank you for your message. I am away until August 30 and will answer you when I get back. I’m looking forward to being in touch with you.”

And, if you really want to sound professional and warm, change the subject line from "Out of the office" to "I am away until . . ."

Happy next vacation!

Often there is a line at my neighborhood drugstore. The regular cashier, who was on vacation this week, would usually mouth a bored “NEXT" after serving one customer. Today, however, there was a substitute cashier. After each customer she was pleasantlly saying, “Next client please.” What a big difference this small script change made! It turns out she was the top manager of the chain of pharmacies. I can see why if this was typical of the type of small enhancements she made to the business.

See what tiny better ways you can do things at work. Little things mean a lot to big bosses–and help you become one.

When you complain about something—the weather, your boss, your job—anything, your listener naturally copies your dejected expression in sympathy. And whatever anyone’s face expresses, affects their emotions.  Therefore, your grumbling about something makes them sincerely unhappy—and they connect that unhappiness with you. People don’t like to be unhappy (duh) so they’ll start avoiding you.

Take it a day at a time Don’t let one complaint slip through your lips tomorrow. In fact, start right now. Then try to extend the moratorium on complaining another day . . . and another . . .  and another.

Have you ever stood on the sidelines at a party wishing your outfit matched the wallpaper so no one would notice you? Or, worse, been trapped alone in the middle of a laughing, talking throng with a drink in a plastic cup and a plastic smile to match? When partying passersby smile at you, you assume they're smirking out of sympathy because you have no one to talk to.

If you don't know many people at a party, here’s the way to avoid this distressing situation. Make this agreement with someone at the gathering you do know well. Suggest, “Friend, I'll introduce you to everybody I know or meet, and you do the same for me." I call it a "Cross-Introduction Contract"

            You might think this is obvious and will happen naturally. But I assure you, unless you sign a verbal treaty, it probably won't!

There’s a lot more than what you say to make your listener enjoy the conversation–like their seldom consciously considered physical comfort! Most sensitive folks know placing someone across the desk from them can intimidate them, but there’s lots more.

Make sure the light from a window or lamp isn’t in her eyes. If your listener is seated, don’t stand for a longer than a 45-second conversation. (That puts him in a subliminally subservient position looking up at you.) If two of you are entertaining, don’t sit so far apart at the dinner table that your guest has to swivel her head like watching a tennis game to make eye contact with both of you. And finally, don’t sit on the sofa next to your guest. (Well, unless it’s a romantic situation.)  Choose a chair at a comfortable angle so he needn't twist his neck to look at you. How far away should you stand when conversing? Close enough to touch the tip of her nose with an outstretched arm. Farther away is unfriendly. Closer is invasive.

Think of your relative positions like “feng shui” the ancient Chinese art of arranging furniture and other elements to eliminate discordance, even at burial sites! Choose your placement to obtain optimum comfort for your conversational partner. After all, if the Chinese do it for their dead, you can do it for your living friends!

Everyone knows the importance of a first impression.  But what about your last impression? That sticks with people for a very long time. Why? Because your friendliness when you part subliminally signals how you feel about THEM.

Think about it. If someone gives you a big hearty “Hello,” you feel great. But, later, if they lethargically mumble “good bye,” you can’t help but subconsciously think they like you less now. Natural paranoia takes over and we feel we disappointed them in the encounter. Don’t do that to people! When introduced to someone, END your conversation even more enthusiastically than you started it. Some suggestions:

At the END of your conversation, tell a new acquaintance, “I’m so happy I met you, Miguel!”
At the END of a chance-meeting, tell your colleague, “Good bumping into you, Barry.”
At the END of a chat, tell your friend, “I always enjoy our conversations, Chelsea.”
At the END of a phone conversation, “It’s so much fun talking to Fiona.”
At the END of a meeting, “I appreciate the points you made, Peter.”
At the END of a date, “It was lovely being with you, Brendon.”

A lively farewell –- LETTING THEIR NAME BE THE LAST WORD THEY HEAR — is like a warm kiss at the end of an evening. A lackluster, low-energy one sounds like a kiss-off.

Have you ever watched American Idol? If so, you know what I’m talking about. When a contestant howls a hard rock song at 120 decibels, he holds his microphone at arm’s length. If he didn’t, he’d be slapped with a class-action suit for hearing loss.

Then, while softly singing near-silent sweet nothings for the swooning viewers and Simon, his lips almost brush the windscreen. If they didn’t, fans would frantically scramble for their remote controls, fearing the TV volume was off.

Now, back to you. You’ve probably laughed loudly at a friend’s jokes on the phone. And whispered undying love to your lambie-pie on your cell. But if you'd held the phone at the same distance from your mouth for both calls, you would blast your friend’s ears off. And cause Lambie-Pie to shatter the sensuous moment by saying, “Huh, what? Wha-did-ja-say?”

SOLUTION: Constantly VARY the distance of your cell from your lips. Push it away – bring it back. Stretch it far – pull it close. Be sensitive to your volume and your listener’s ears. Incidentally, a quick cell pull-away works wonders to mask coughs, burps and other unseemly noises emanating from your mouth.